aamusedinatx | Entries tagged with humor

Current Mood: amused

Miss Blonde Booth Babe across the aisle from me was being quizzed regarding the oxygen bar set up:

Man: So this is cool, why are the cylinders different colors? Are they different scents, different flavors, a different portion of oxygen?

MBBB: Oh no, they just have air. Oh, and oxygen.

*Blink*

Don't quit your day job, honey.

After wrangling my old 2 ton trade show crates in what I all BOOTH RODEO (the steer won), the CoWorker shared this link with me.

How much is that doggie in the window....

To counter balance sucky news, here's some humor courtesy of BossMan:

Top 10 Party Games for People Over 50

1. Sag! You're It!
2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy
3. 20 Questions Shouted in Your Good Ear
4. Kick the Bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over
6. Doc, Doc, Goose
7. Simon Says Something Incoherent
8. Musical Recliners
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Hide and Go Pee!

Current Mood: amused

It is more accurate to say: Seen On a Bus.

As the Northbound #15 pulled to a stop across from me this morning. Two young girls who stood next to me began to giggle. The advertising banner on the side of the northbound bus had a snickers bar with the word: HUNGERECTOMY

Which they sounded out as Hung Erect O(h) My!

We were all three still giggling when the southbound bus arrived to pick us up.

The last panel totally does it for me! Actually the whole thing does.

Watching this made me really smile.

And, when you're done smiling, try this instead! :)

And, when you need to smile again read this: (and click on the link)

"If you have ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor...you might be a redneck."

Just a little tip from your Uncle Ern'.

Current Mood: amused

One random summer day in 1993 I received a voice mail on my answering machine. Yes, I had one of those archaic, separate-from-the-phone, tape driven answering machine thingies. The caller left no name, no number, I couldn't even tell by the voice who it was. The message said:

Clop clop, clop clop
Clop clop, clop clop

BANG! BANG!

Clop clop, clop clop
Clop clop, clop clop

*click*

There are only so many minutes in which you can stand there looking perplexed and annoyed at an inanimate machine that refuses to yield any new information.

Eventually I shrugged it off as a wrong number. What else can I do?

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKs later, on a sunny Sunday morning, I'm sitting at a local coffee shop with my friend Adam. We're chatting over a latte and a muffin. We've been talking for nearly an hour already when suddenly he says

"You never returned my message."

*blink* "What message."

A sly smile crosses his face.

"Didn't you get a cryptic voice mail message a few weeks ago?"

A light bulb goes off in my head along with the memory of this completely puzzling message on my phone.

"Oh, yes...what the hell was that?"

"An Amish Drive-by Shooting."

It really is a wonder I still speak to him :)

( but wait, it gets better... )

Current Mood: amused

This somehow reminds me of those really bad films you'd see in Junior High. You and Static Electricity! With Fuzzy the Lightening Bolt

Current Mood: amused

A humorous email sent to me by boss #2, via his sister. Having lived most of these places (I can easily substitute Alaska for Maine and get the same answers) I had a giggle over them. Hopefully you will too.

Where To Live After Retirement

As we all know, sometimes we come face to face with the fact that it may be time to relocate. The big question is: where to? Here are some tips.

You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You can Live in New York City where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3.You think Central Park is "nature,"
4. You believe that being able to speak at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and snowbirds.

Current Mood: amused

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you."
- Will Rogers

Will Rogers Bronze Statue outside the Will Rogers Memorial Center, Ft. Worth, Tx.

Found at the end of my Borowtiz Report newsletter I receive each day.

Elsewhere, in an ominous sign that Iraq may be sliding into civil war, Ken Burns and his camera crew turned up in Baghdad today.

Build Your Own Surreal Weenie has got to be some of the oddest dinner time reading I've done in a while.

Current Mood: astonished

#610847 +(1417)- [X]

Good Book Report

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton.
One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing

BlackAdder III: Sense and Senility:

Baldrick: Is that the door?

Edmond: Oh, don't worry, it's just the actors.

(Continued rapping. Blackadder pours himself a cup of tea.)

B: My uncle Baldrick was in a play once.

E: Really?

B: Yeah, it was called *Macbeth*.

E: And what did he play?

B: Second codpiece... Macbeth wore him in the fight scenes.

E: So he was a stunt codpiece. (sips his tea) Did he have a large part?

B: Depends who's playing Macbeth.

What you need:

* A group of four taxpayers: including 1 white guy wearing a Suit. 2 people wearing jeans, one in a Work Shirt, the other in a Dark Shirt, and 1 person wearing Rags. Stitched together wash cloths are nice. Four are grouped around cocktail table within sight of television. Newspapers on floor in front of television.
* A shot glass per person. Everyone brings their own and places on table. Suit picks one first. Then Work Shirt. Then Dark Shirt. Suit takes last one as well, and Rags gets a Dixie Cup with the top scissored off.
* 5 bucks apiece. Everybody antes.
* Fondue pot with 2 packages of Li’l Smokies stewing in barbecue sauce on table. Preferably a sauce from Texas. Surrounded by:
* 100 cocktail toothpicks. The kind with the little American flags wrapped around the top.
* A large stash of beer. Rags gets the cheapest stuff you can find, like Old Milwaukee Light; Suit gets to drink whatever import he asks for; while the jeans get to pick their favorite domestic brand, but they are required to pay for all the beer and the Li’l Smokies.

Rules of the Game