Aamused in Austin, TX

Skimming websites last night, just before bed, I came across an article which talked about how we as women conform to society pressure to 'not rock the boat' when it comes to disagreement, discussion or debate with a man.

the article says:

Then the other day I was in a conversation with a man who challenged something I said and I responded with a news piece to prove my position. The man dogmatically stood his ground and I decided it was not worth the fight – over dinner no less.

I have encountered this sort of situation many times in family, in social, and in professional settings; at the dinner table, over a drink during a party, or in a conference room. I consider myself confident and able to carry on a reasonable and rational discussion or disagreement with anyone male or female. I will state facts I know and I will "I need to look further into this aspect of..." when I do not.

From the time I was a small girl, I've been admonished for this ability of mine. My retort was always "I didn't start it!" My mother would often reach out with a sharp smack of the hand to say "I don't care, you continued it." This taught me a valuable lesson. It's okay for a man to start a confrontation in even the most delicate situations where social etiquette should prevail. It is NOT okay for me to engage or continue the confrontation even if I feel demeaned, degraded or provoked in any way.

Our author continues on to say:

In my case, I merely allowed a man to feel he had bested me. I rationalized that it was dinner and why would I cause a stir at such a peaceable time? Of course, he obviously had no problem with a stir, but the others at the table might have not enjoyed it as much. I also reasoned to myself that the point at odds was nothing more than a piece of information, which was not as important as a relationship.

It is amazing the hoops an intelligent woman will jump through to justify a willful act to submit to the stereotypical female role. I was simply acting according to societal expectations. What could possibly be wrong with that?

I can't tell you closely this reflects so many years of my experience in communication at work, at home, in public or private.

It begins with the "do not speak unless spoken to," an incomplete adage since I'm not supposed to speak my mind, even when asked a question. It continues with the 2nd grade teacher who berated me for squirming in relief and joy in my seat because I'd made a good grade on a test in a subject that was difficult for me (math), because my obvious relief made others in the class feel bad and it was selfish and rude of me to act so. It continues with the high school journalism teacher who told me she didn't allow girls on her news paper staff because her male reporter and photographer were to valuable to upset or worry or (heaven forbid) cause 'issues' with a boy and a girl in the dark room. In both cases these teachers were female.

Or the senior vp of sales at a printing company, who sat on my interview panel for a sales position and then six months after my 'inside training' was still dragging out, told me that I would never be put on pure outside sales because I had tits and because I wouldn't shut up when men were speaking to me.

My first husband, who spent five years trying convince me that because he was male, he was twice as smart as I was and that meant I had to do what he said, work jobs he said to work, talk to and friend people only he said to talk to or friend. This man was so smart I had to write his master's thesis for him or he would have never graduated with his Masters in Music Education.

To the director of new media of a Silicon Valley press company who was paying me an outrageous fee as a consultant to present him with a report on web 2.0 readiness who then tells me with a completely straight face "I don't pay you to think."

yes. you do.

I don't seek out confrontation for the sake of confrontation but I also don't feel I should be the one always required to 'put a nice face on things'. I shouldn't be the one punished for standing my ground, having the balls to speak with authority on a subject in response to anyone male or female, who begins to engage me in discussion in an appropriate or an inappropriate setting.

And I think of how I try to help MGC navigate confidence, intellect, and social tact and I wonder and worry that I send her conflicting messages in regards to this issue.