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Introspection
Mar. 21st, 2006 10:53 amSo, I canceled coffee with Chris the video store stalker. I'm still trying to sort out my feelings on this and it has led to some introspective conversation on the topic with both Dr. Lust and ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lifehiker.
WHY do I feel guilty? Why do I feel embarrassed and awkward when someone seems to like me for no apparent reason? Why do I feel that gut-wrenching horror that I can't reciprocate even a mild like? Why do I feel beholden to at least try when I know, in my rational mind, that human beings come in all flavors and that some appeal to us and some don't.
This is not something new for me. I have always been like this and not "just about boys." I can remember junior high and high school. It wasn't that I didn't know how to say 'no' when I wasn't interested, but that I didn't know how to say no without gutting someone's hopes and emotions. I don't know how to deal with my own guilt at not being able to reciprocate interest and attraction and I then heap their disappointment and sense of rejection on top of my guilt and I find it nearly crushing.
We're human beings, thinking, feeling human beings. All we want in life is to be liked. I think this is a universal wish. It amazes me sometimes the optimism many of us carry with us as we search for that reciprocated ability to "like." I want to be liked too, just like the next person. Chris likes me and I can't cope with that. Why? Basically because I don't like him in return. Which is not to say I dislike him or hate him--I don't know him well enough for such deep emotions, but I can tell that nothing about him connects with me or resonates with me.
Somewhere along the line of life I was imprinted with the notion that I was un-likeable, un-loveable (thanks mom) and that if someone should, for some misguided reason, express an interest in me, or appear to like me, then I should be fucking grateful. I should accept it whether I can reciprocate or not because they deserve that gratitude from me. Somewhere along that line I was never taught that I should expect or deserve something in return for it. "He likes you that should be good enough for you. You're lucky he even talks to you." are thoughts that seem to echo in my head seeking out the confused and lonely 13 year old. The voice is a parody of my mother's voice but honestly, I've never heard those particular words from her mouth. It is simply the imprint of her feelings of my unworthiness that then leech into every other aspect of my life when it comes to contact with human beings. That imprint seems difficult for me to let go of when something like this comes up. It's the guilt that is so firmly rooted.
I have friends and lovers who like me for me and who I like and love in return. I have experienced and know what that is like. I do not feel un-loved, or disliked in general. So why, oh why, does something like this happen and those old paralysing doubts creep in to take me over once again?
I wonder.
lifehiker. WHY do I feel guilty? Why do I feel embarrassed and awkward when someone seems to like me for no apparent reason? Why do I feel that gut-wrenching horror that I can't reciprocate even a mild like? Why do I feel beholden to at least try when I know, in my rational mind, that human beings come in all flavors and that some appeal to us and some don't.
This is not something new for me. I have always been like this and not "just about boys." I can remember junior high and high school. It wasn't that I didn't know how to say 'no' when I wasn't interested, but that I didn't know how to say no without gutting someone's hopes and emotions. I don't know how to deal with my own guilt at not being able to reciprocate interest and attraction and I then heap their disappointment and sense of rejection on top of my guilt and I find it nearly crushing.
We're human beings, thinking, feeling human beings. All we want in life is to be liked. I think this is a universal wish. It amazes me sometimes the optimism many of us carry with us as we search for that reciprocated ability to "like." I want to be liked too, just like the next person. Chris likes me and I can't cope with that. Why? Basically because I don't like him in return. Which is not to say I dislike him or hate him--I don't know him well enough for such deep emotions, but I can tell that nothing about him connects with me or resonates with me.
Somewhere along the line of life I was imprinted with the notion that I was un-likeable, un-loveable (thanks mom) and that if someone should, for some misguided reason, express an interest in me, or appear to like me, then I should be fucking grateful. I should accept it whether I can reciprocate or not because they deserve that gratitude from me. Somewhere along that line I was never taught that I should expect or deserve something in return for it. "He likes you that should be good enough for you. You're lucky he even talks to you." are thoughts that seem to echo in my head seeking out the confused and lonely 13 year old. The voice is a parody of my mother's voice but honestly, I've never heard those particular words from her mouth. It is simply the imprint of her feelings of my unworthiness that then leech into every other aspect of my life when it comes to contact with human beings. That imprint seems difficult for me to let go of when something like this comes up. It's the guilt that is so firmly rooted.
I have friends and lovers who like me for me and who I like and love in return. I have experienced and know what that is like. I do not feel un-loved, or disliked in general. So why, oh why, does something like this happen and those old paralysing doubts creep in to take me over once again?
I wonder.
