aamusedinatx: (coffeeblack)
And how do I feel? Well, other than a bit sleepy still I'm actually feeling okay, better, my head doesn't feel like it's stuffed with sand or cotton any more.

Dr Strangelove didn't make it over. I wasn't worried as it was one of those 'open' invites as in: "I'm just going to sit on my patio and drink till I fall over, join me if you'd like."

Just into my 2nd glass of Mojito my cell phone rang. The Mad Scientist and the Kitten With a Whip (she's home!! YAH!!) called to see if they could come by and show me photos of their Guatemala trip and bring me a gift they'd gotten while over there. And so we were three--four if you count dork doggie, six if you count the two cats who kept fishing their furry paws under the screen door trying to get out and join the party!

For about 3 hours we sat in the warm evening knocking back Rum and eating chips and salsa while we traded stories of their trip, photos from Kit's iBook, oohing and awing over the non-traditional and very pretty silver ring she got when MS proposed to her, which was accompanied by the usual tales of "how he popped the question."

They brought me a cigar shaped stick of cardamon flavored chocolate--the lethal kind, you know that's 85% PURE cocoa paste! YUM. They also gave me a 1/2 lb of whole bean Guatemalan Organic Coffee that smells OUT OF THIS WORLD! It comes in a wonderfully bright woven cotton pouch that I can keep once the coffee is done. I was going to have some this morning, but alas, my bean grinder is at the office.

Eventually we got cool; them more than me because they've just spent weeks in a tropical climate, and trooped inside. I showed them the Tantra Chair web site and they helped drag the chair towards the center of the room and try a few of the poses. They were curious if it would work for them since the Mad Scientist is nearly 6 feet tall and Kit, like me, is only about 5'3". Even with clothes on it worked well! LOL and now another promise from me to 'rent out the chair' for fun. (hee hee...I'm going to have to start a reservation list!)

One of the priceless announcements last night was that The Mad Scientist has a new Lab Assistant up on the hill named Igor. Seriously...his name is IGOR. I howled when I heard that. "Bring me the brain, Igor!". I'm so going Young Frankenstein on his ass when I meet him!

Brunch this morning with Dr. Strangelove (confirmed), sunshine, dozing animals, a long walk with the dog, someone next door is playing harmonica. I feel half way decent today. It's going to be a good Sunday. Father's Day Sunday and so Happy Father's Day to all you Dad's out there. I've already called mine. He's going to lunch with my sister and brother in law today.

Now pardon me while I go shave the rum-fur off my tongue.
It caught me quite off guard after a relatively slow week at work. At least this was explode in a GOOD way. I've also had work explode in a sucky way before. This is much, much preferable. It's good for us, good for the clients, good for business so I'll take good explosions.

Wednesday night me and the good Doctor went into the city and met up with [livejournal.com profile] polypolyglot at the Ferry Building. We then talked and laughed and joked our way along the Embarcaderro to a dive bar called Pier 23. We noshed and talked some more. We drank and toasted and laughed. I made heads turn when PPG spit his whiskey across the table in response to one of my snarky comments. I thew my arms above my head and yelled


I love doing that. We eventually wandered back over to the shopping center where we were parked and went into Chevys for more drinks because they validate parking. At one point PPG announced "I know how you hate flash photography but I have to get a picture of you two."

Flash photography? I flashed him with a grin...and my shirt up to my neck. Magically our waiter, who had been hiding, suddenly appeared. I cannot take full credit for this. He was gay, I doubt he really cared much for my breasts; however the ederly tourist sitting with his wife and grandson over to the right had his jaw on his chest.

Quite satisfying.

And so we arrive to today. I am dragging PPG and Dr Strangelove to Walnut Creek for their art and wine fest. It will be sunny and hot and quite fun. The only annoying thing is I broke my toe yesterday. I have it taped up now and it's not too bad, I've actually done worse in the summer of 2000, but it hurts enough to be annoying and now I'm going to walk on it all day. Urg :(

And so before I hobble out the door a quick note here and then off to feed The Mad Scientist's cats (he returns home tonight--I have to pick him up at the airport at 11pm), pay rent, pay utilities, swing by BART to retrieve PPG, who arrives at 9:30,and head to FatApples for breakfast before we trek East across the hills.

Have a great Saturday everyone!
aamusedinatx: (knickers)
It's been a good Sunday. This comes as a bit of a surprise to me. I have a love-hate relationship with Mother's Day. I suppose that's natural with birth-mothers and natural with mothers whose children pre-decease them. I am both in one. I call my own Mother each year but I know I'll never receive that call from her or from others in my family. Such is the nature of things. I try not to let it bother me. Sometimes it does, sometimes it does not.

This year, I'm doing pretty good. Dr Lust came over yesterday and took me to brunch and wished me Happy Mother's Day. I had a wonderful time at a graduation party last night for the Kitten with a Whip! It's been soooo long since I kissed a girl! I kissed her doubly so last evening!! WOOT.

It was fun to sit in the cool dark with a diverse group of people. Kit's parents, her aunt, her great aunt, friends, cousins, we all sat laughing, talking, eating around the fire pit, singing with the guitar playing. I watched her father belt out Donovan tunes while gyrating around the fire. I couldn't stop laughing and singing and clapping. It was a wonderfully cathartic evening. I took a long walk in the fullness of the moon before bed and lay there gazing out the window until moonset when I finally fell asleep.

This morning the phone rang and Dr Strangelove wanted to seek out breakfast and a walk. So we headed out for another brunch before heading to the Marina and doing a mile or so around the point. We happened upon a colony of brown squirrels, a group of red winged black birds, a nesting owl and the usual fare of kite flyers, bikers, walkers, dog walkers...all of us out enjoying a very warm and very sunny day. We cooled off with chilled martinis at Skates on the bay and then he dropped me off at home before he headed into the city for an evening with friends.

Now, I'm sitting in the cool of the apartment, slightly sweaty, slightly buzzed and contemplating a nap.

This is, in my mind, the best kind of Sunday. I hope all of you have had as nice a day as I have.
One random summer day in 1993 I received a voice mail on my answering machine. Yes, I had one of those archaic, separate-from-the-phone, tape driven answering machine thingies. The caller left no name, no number, I couldn't even tell by the voice who it was. The message said:

Clop clop, clop clop
Clop clop, clop clop


Clop clop, clop clop
Clop clop, clop clop


There are only so many minutes in which you can stand there looking perplexed and annoyed at an inanimate machine that refuses to yield any new information.

Eventually I shrugged it off as a wrong number. What else can I do?

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKs later, on a sunny Sunday morning, I'm sitting at a local coffee shop with my friend Adam. We're chatting over a latte and a muffin. We've been talking for nearly an hour already when suddenly he says

"You never returned my message."

*blink* "What message."

A sly smile crosses his face.

"Didn't you get a cryptic voice mail message a few weeks ago?"

A light bulb goes off in my head along with the memory of this completely puzzling message on my phone.

"Oh, yes...what the hell was that?"

"An Amish Drive-by Shooting."

It really is a wonder I still speak to him :)

but wait, it gets better... )
I have two filters I use

Channel X (for the sex stuff)
and Recipes (for the food whores in all of us)

Let me know if you'd like to be on either or both.
If you can see today's post titled: A Girl Has to Have Her Standards, then you're already on Channel X.
aamusedinatx: (dorothy)
So, I canceled coffee with Chris the video store stalker. I'm still trying to sort out my feelings on this and it has led to some introspective conversation on the topic with both Dr. Lust and [livejournal.com profile] lifehiker.

WHY do I feel guilty? Why do I feel embarrassed and awkward when someone seems to like me for no apparent reason? Why do I feel that gut-wrenching horror that I can't reciprocate even a mild like? Why do I feel beholden to at least try when I know, in my rational mind, that human beings come in all flavors and that some appeal to us and some don't.

This is not something new for me. I have always been like this and not "just about boys." I can remember junior high and high school. It wasn't that I didn't know how to say 'no' when I wasn't interested, but that I didn't know how to say no without gutting someone's hopes and emotions. I don't know how to deal with my own guilt at not being able to reciprocate interest and attraction and I then heap their disappointment and sense of rejection on top of my guilt and I find it nearly crushing.

We're human beings, thinking, feeling human beings. All we want in life is to be liked. I think this is a universal wish. It amazes me sometimes the optimism many of us carry with us as we search for that reciprocated ability to "like." I want to be liked too, just like the next person. Chris likes me and I can't cope with that. Why? Basically because I don't like him in return. Which is not to say I dislike him or hate him--I don't know him well enough for such deep emotions, but I can tell that nothing about him connects with me or resonates with me.

Somewhere along the line of life I was imprinted with the notion that I was un-likeable, un-loveable (thanks mom) and that if someone should, for some misguided reason, express an interest in me, or appear to like me, then I should be fucking grateful. I should accept it whether I can reciprocate or not because they deserve that gratitude from me. Somewhere along that line I was never taught that I should expect or deserve something in return for it. "He likes you that should be good enough for you. You're lucky he even talks to you." are thoughts that seem to echo in my head seeking out the confused and lonely 13 year old. The voice is a parody of my mother's voice but honestly, I've never heard those particular words from her mouth. It is simply the imprint of her feelings of my unworthiness that then leech into every other aspect of my life when it comes to contact with human beings. That imprint seems difficult for me to let go of when something like this comes up. It's the guilt that is so firmly rooted.

I have friends and lovers who like me for me and who I like and love in return. I have experienced and know what that is like. I do not feel un-loved, or disliked in general. So why, oh why, does something like this happen and those old paralysing doubts creep in to take me over once again?

I wonder.
click on this link here http://www.livejournal.com/users/polypolyglot/1161249.html
and listen to the voice post we made last evening. :)
aamusedinatx: (cheap)
Tonight, very much to my surprise, a ghost appeared in my IM.

An Englishman I enjoyed meeting over coffee one day in November. I wrote about a brief, oddly timed encounter here. I haven't heard from him since before the holidays. And, in truth, I'm just as much at fault for not pinging him as he not pinging me.

My evening passed in catching up on months and months of each other's lives, lots of questions and droll sarcastic commentary on current events, politics, silicon valley life etc.

Honestly, I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed talking to him, in spite of the fact he's pretty crumudgeonly about things. Actually--that sort of English dilletante curmudgeon is part of his charm.

It's after One now, and I'm exhausted. Tomorrow, I'll tell about my Thursday evening, but for now...

It's good night from me,
and it's good night from him.
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