(excerpt from my email to the Enigma, who couldn't be home in time...)
...I made our appointment for 4pm this afternoon. She went to sleep peacefully, no longer hunched over and trembling. So, we're all done for now. The crying is over (and there has been a LOT of it--I look like WC Fields without the starched collar and cigar; and my nose is more red now then when I had my cold).
Fredo met me almost on the doorstep of the vets as I left and took me to Beckett's and bought me whiskey. We waked my dog with potato skins and alcohol. Then we strolled up to Moe's books on Telegraph and then home to test that his copy of the house keys worked. They do.
Earlier today I met MadGrrl and MS for hot cocoa at Peets. We had to get their photos taken for the tourist visas and I had to sign some papers and give my legal name and address so MadGrrl's parents could have a notarized statement saying she could leave the country and that I had both their permission to travel as guardian to bring her back to the states with out her dad present.
I'd been struggling with whether or not to Tell MGC about Dottie. There are times when on the surface she seems indifferent to people and things around her, but I know she's really not. After we were at kinkos for photos, her dad left to have lunch with the director of the Molecular foundry. MGC and I went to have her hair cut again then with her looking all sassy and stylish we then went to Mel's Diner for grilled cheese sangy. For dessert we each had a slice of cheesecake for our inner five year olds -- a reward for getting our vaccinations without passing out or throwing up.
It was after we'd eaten that I shoved her on over and sat on the same side of her in the booth. I told her about Dottie being so sick and that I had to make sure she didn't suffer. MGC burst into tears and then immediately said "But I get to see her once more before you do, right?!"
I wasn't going to suggest that, but let her do so if she brought it up. So, after MS rejoined us, we came home and we all sat out on the front step with Dottie, petting her, talking to her, holding her. They left me alone with her about a half hour before I took us on our final long walk. She was a bit listless but still wanted to stop and smell all the smells, charm a little girl who went "woooh! doggie!" and sneak in a lick when the girl wasn't expecting it and then move on. She was Dorkdoggie to the very end, bless her heart.
All day long I've received email after text message after phone call, so many people who have met her or heard of her on my blog asking me if I needed anything, was there anything they could do to help. It was comforting and touching to experience and it certainly helped me through my day.
I find that I'm calm now and unbelievably tired. I think it will be fairly early to bed for me. And for the first time in a VERY long time, no reason to get up in the middle of the night. No doubt I'll have a pile of kittie cats on me. I'm certainly not alone. And I'm thankful for that too.
...
Yes, I've been through this before. I have been a life-long pet owner. It's never easy, but as a responsible and loving pet owner it is a necessary step eventually. I have been through this before and I will go through it again...and again...and again. It's worth it. I plan to let 2008 get started; get the planned winter and spring travel out of the way, let school wind down and before summer break, when MGC is free to help me socialize and mind a puppy, I'll get another dog. If Dottie taught me one thing it was that I am as much a dog person as a cat person. I'll never go 12 years without owning a dog of my own again.
After our 'wake' Fredo and I walked up to Telegraph Avenue and I introduced him to 4-stories of joy for the bibliophile. We walked to my house and I could feel the energy completely drain out of me. I am exhausted, but I'm also relieved and quiet. One of the things I thought about as we talked and walked is the great gift of friendship--both human and animal friendship. I've had a lot of both today and it has made the day bearable.
One of the books I picked up at Moe's is the Autobiography of Emma Goldman. At the end of her Acknowledgment she writes:
"My Life as I have lived it owes everything to those who had come into it, stayed long or little, and passed out. Their love, as well as their hate, has gone into making my life worth while. Living my life is my tribute and my gratitude to them all."
So, Thank you, all of you. And with this post, I shall retire Dottie's icons and begin the healing process at home.
Good night.